happiness is a tricky thing

i follow a blog called the wild and wily ways of a brunette bombshell. you wouldn't believe what an amazing writer this woman is. She can write about something that i don't relate to in any way, but i find myself totally feeling the emotion and it wakes up something deep inside me. 

it sounds corny, i know. but for reals, this chick is amazing.

sometimes she writes about the eating disorder that she's struggled with and part of what she wrote today totally spoke to me.

happiness is a tricky thing, wouldn't you say? it's always somewhere else. over there. contingent upon when i's and if i's and the like. for me, for so long, it was well, when i'm thin, if i ever get thin then i'll be happy. i won't feel sadness, i won't feel anxious...i won't have to worry about sidelong glances from this person or that person, i won't have to fear. 


i won't have to fear. 


that was probably the big one. thin would eradicate all the ills of my life. it would be the plateau on which i would coast.


here's the thing.


thin does none of those things. absolutely not one. don't get me wrong, it has its advantages, but it does not heal relationships--it doesn't heal the part of yourself that is so hurting and broken--the part of you that becomes co-conspirator in this fallacy so that it gets left alone to fester and brood.

see. she's good. 

i spend so much time thinking about how great life will be when i'm as thin as i was when i met nate. but if i think that nothing can be better unless i'm thin then not only will things never get better, but i'll also never get thin like i want to be. 

so check out her blog.